Relationship Dilemma

I wrote this in the early 1990's while I was living with Lew, who frequently had to take business trips. This dilemma is representative of all my significant-other relationships. I'm glad I'm old and all that angst is over!

When You're Not Here

I wear jeans and a sweatshirt to bed

I keep the light on all night and watch perfectly wonderful movies that you won't watch with me

I hear every noise in the house and get real scared

I don't take a shower or fix my hair or brush my teeth

I sleep with the phone next to the bed in case you call

I fantasize about our wedding

I plan my escape from you

I wonder if we'll ever step off the roller coaster and still stay together

I wonder if we can recreate what we've lost

I wonder if it's in us to have enough happy days to make up for all the months we've been miserable

I wonder if I have what it takes to start my life over--AGAIN!

I picture you with another, calmer woman in my place, who makes you happy--and I feel sick

I don't get dressed

I take lots of naps

I think about a world for me that is just as miserable and confusing as all my other lives have been

I plan my death

I wish you were home so all the above doesn't take place

I hug my stuffed rabbit all night

I wish we could go in the opposite direction and bring out the BEST in each other

I try to think of a life with you that we could both look forward to

I try to picture who I would be if my dream turned into my life

I try to remember/conjure up/visualize my ideal life

I only know what I don't want