Seven Election Year Resolutions

Where Have I Been?

A number of months ago, in the final stages of publishing my book, Life with a Buckskinner, I decided to reinvent myself as a Marketer. Following the advice of other very successful book marketers, I sanitized my blog, gagged and strangled my muse, and vowed to write only what would make everyone agree with me and respect me and want to read my book. My book has been out for two months, and today I'm no more of a marketer than I was when I was writing my book. I'm still the exact same writer who wrote my book, and I long to continue writing that way. I went back to my muse, purple and lying prostrate on the floor shouting, "Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!" I lifted it to its feet and asked the question I should have asked it months ago: "What do you want to write?" "Whatever I want to write," it answered. "Wow!" I said, "I had no idea! What if everyone hates us?" "It doesn't matter," my muse said. "I'm not sacrificing my voice to sell a book!" So here we are. Back!

My Election Year Resolutions

I'm making these resolutions to help me cope with my frustrations as issues surface and the dance between campaigners and the American public drags on through 2012.

1. I will stop fantasizing that all talking heads are dangling by invisible strings from the ceiling, hovering over pools of blood, with their bodies sliced off with a chain saw from the chest down in a bloody Dexter-esque scene. Instead, I'll picture the males all looking like Anthony Weiner's photo, and the females in black net stockings and garter belts.

2. I will stop imitating politicians. I'm replacing my rolling Romney chortle with my own genuine throw-headed howl that sends my hair fleeing to the four corners of the ceiling.

3. I will stop making fun of politicians' names. "Mittens" Romney is funny only to me. A newt is an aquatic amphibian similar to a salamander, called out by Shakespeare in his play, Midsummer Night's Dream: "Ye spotted snakes with double tongues, thorny hedgehogs be not seen, newts and blindworms do no wrong, come not near our fairy queen." I will not automatically say that line every time I hear Gingrich's name mentioned. And I will not make a rhyme out of Ron Paul's name: "Ron Paul will end it all." Obama does not rhyme with "Osama." It rhymes with "Oh, Mama!" And what better name for an unknown independent candidate for the Justice Party than "Rocky"! "Gonna fly now! Flyin' high now!" I'll stop wondering how high he flies, and when, and on what and with whom.

4.  Now that I don't have a uterus, I'm going to switch over to the Right-to-Lifers' side and help make abortions, miscarriages, and still-born babies criminal offenses for women. When I had a uterus, I became unintentionally pregnant more than once and had to take life-threatening measures, followed by a cover-up by influential parties. I don't need Planned Parenthood or Roe v. Wade anymore. The surgeon who removed my uterus is a baby-killer. He should go to prison, along with every mother whose baby gets sick or dies. This will have the advantage to society of creating jobs. Think of it! Private prisons springing up everywhere! And the prison population, which is now mostly black and Latino males, will become predominantly female--a more natural balance of the sexes. What woman hasn't lost a baby?

5. I will stop spending sleepless nights trying to come up with an ingenious, fail-proof scheme to free Bradley Manning and write him up in the history books as the courageous young whistleblower credited with influencing the end of the Iraq War. Instead, I will come up with a plan for avoiding my own old age and death. I need more time to do something brave and wonderful in my life!

6. I'm going to get a lobotomy so I'll be as intelligent as House Speaker Boehner and Rick Perry. I want my eyes to look sexy like theirs--creamy, glazed, confused, red, dull, and quizzical, as if to say, "What's going on?" "What does this mean?" "Where am I?" "Who are you?" "I don't have a clue."

7. I will begin preparing for the winner of the Presidential election: a gas mask and supply of oxygen if Ron Paul gets elected and abolishes all of the regulation agencies; a weapons arsenal for defending myself against the state if Newt gets elected and American citizens, including judges, are arrested and imprisoned as "terrorists"; earplugs and a sleep mask if Obama is reelected; a bomb shelter if Michele Bachmann is elected and sends us to war with Iran in defense of Israel; a stash of drugs and medical supplies to take care of my own health needs if Romney is elected and abolishes Medicare; a full, long, bushy beard growing on my face to win the admiration of Rick Perry if he's elected; a supply of Zanax to keep me calm if any of them get elected and continue to scare us all to death with claims that our country is in terrible danger of being bombed by anyone at any moment, and therefore, he or she must turn the country into a police state to "protect" us against ourselves and the terrorists among us. 

Hmm. These resolutions might not help reduce my stress. I mean, laughter is itself a stress-buster, and my fantasies make me laugh, so I'm going to have to keep them going for the talking heads. Imitating Romney's laugh also makes me laugh, as does calling Mitt "Mitten," and seeing Newt as a salamander next to spotted snakes and blindworms. I'd change my name if I were them! And getting high with Rocky? Now that's a trip to fantasize! Women are more fun to spend time with, so I don't want them all getting locked up. I can't free Bradley Manning, but it's comforting to think that a miracle could happen for him. A lobotomy to dumb me down won't be necessary--lack of sleep has the same effect! As for preparing for the eventual winner--not necessary. All I have to do is give away my four TV sets and cancel my Internet service--but that would be a last resort!