With All Due Respect. . . Really?

     When a friend says to you, "Rich (or Nancy, or whatever your name is), with all due respect. . . ," you know what's coming next, don't you? Your friend is going to criticize you. He or she is going to say something intending to do one or more of these: reprimand or scold you, intimidate or belittle you, make you look or feel stupid, shame you, point out an error in your thinking, or make your behavior, judgment, or decisions appear to be wrong.
     One writer in the online Urban Dictionary defines "with all due respect" as "a statement meant to diffuse the impact of an insult." Another writer defines it as "a statement that when you hear it, you know that your reply should be 'FUCK YOU!'"
     Maybe "with all due respect," was well-intentioned by the first person who used it as a phrase that was meant to be sincere and friendly: yes, I hear you. I understand you, and I respect you and your way of thinking, but maybe you might want to consider my viewpoint.
     The business English course I taught online for the University of Phoenix stressed the importance of "tone" in business correspondence. The reader can't see the writer's facial expressions or hear the tone of voice, so words and phrases have to be inherently respectful and friendly.
     Unfortunately, listeners and readers have now linked the cliche "with all due respect" directly with the disrespectful message that follows it. Regardless of friendly smile or warmth of voice, the whole tone of the message, from beginning to end, is a slap.
     There's something deeper here for us to consider, a reason why we might want to become aware of our approach to others. 
     Moral psychologist Jonathan Haidt (pronounced "Hite") in his important book, The Righteous Mind, writes, "The human mind is designed to 'do' morality, just as it's designed to do language, sexuality, music. . . . human nature is not just intrinsically moral, it's also intrinsically moralistic, critical, and judgmental. . . . an obsession with righteousness (leading inevitably to self-righteousness) is the normal human condition." In other words, accept it; love it; it's who we are!
     Haidt writes that it's our role in society to challenge others' beliefs and keep others going in the directions that benefit all of us, and we're very quick to straighten others out. "We are terrible at seeking evidence that challenges our own beliefs," he writes, "but other people do us this favor, just as we are quite good at finding errors in other peoples' beliefs."
     Our feedback to each other has been and continues to be critical to our survival in our communities, our countries, and in the world. We need discourse, dialogue, debate more than ever.
     Haidt gives us guidance about how we can more easily change others. I recommend reading his ideas in their entirety to understand his analogy of a human being as being made up of both an elephant and a rider. I'm going to paraphrase his ideas more simply, and when you read this, you'll say it's common knowledge. I'm sharing it here, knowing that knowing something and putting it into practice can be two different things that don't always happen together.
     The more hostile a discussion, the less likely either side will change. People lean away from hostile people and conjure up more reasons for why they are right and the others are wrong.
     When there's sincere friendship, affection, admiration, and a desire to be liked by the other person, people will lean towards each other and be more willing to try to find the truth in the other person's viewpoint.
     So that brings us back to the beginning idea of this post. If we want our viewpoints heard with the possibility that others can incorporate them into their behavior for the betterment of themselves, which impacts us all, it's probably better to not preface our criticism of someone else with a phrase that has come to mean the opposite of what the words say.
     We don't get through life very easily without guidance and feedback from others. We need each other.
     With all due respect to speakers and writers who use "with all due respect," this cliche has lost its sincerity and respectability in the friendly, affectionate, respectful discourse that we all need so very much!